Wishing things were different with the one who got away, knowing he’s probably in love with someone else. 
The one you wanted to marry, can’t even be your best friend.
The one who was your best friend doesn’t even talk to you. 
The one who you should be with, you’ll never risk losing. 
The guy you’re “in bed with”, it has to be kept secret especially because it’s not serious.
And the guy you go to to escape some of this, he wants to be the one to hold you.


But that’s life. It sucks. We deal. Some better than others. 

I know that I won’t find what I need in my life by looking for it in places where all I can get is what I want for a night. I’m not doing that though. Just trying to have some fun and escape the struggle, the disappointment, the guilt, the grief, the regret…the what ifs. I’ll belong to that one free moment. I’ll fully live it. Then I’ll get back to reality. I’ll get back to just existing. I’ll get back to coping. Because…”it’ll happen” turned into “what should have been”.  It wasn’t my fault. So I need to stop acting like it. I need to be me again. But first…I need to lose myself. Just…for now. 

I need to keep reminding myself of that. It will. Life has its ups and downs and sometimes…okay…most of the time my ups and downs are a little more extreme. In a way though, right now that could be a good thing because things suck pretty badly right now. So! things will be fucking awesome in a bit. I just have to be patient which is hard…and I have to make sure I do everything in my power to be worthy of the good things I hope come my way. As for the things that I can’t just hope for, I’m gonna continue doing a lot more to get closer to attaining/achieving them.

So…my phone is falling apart due to some serious design flaws. -_- BUT I may just get a new one with my mom’s tax return or I can try my best to hold it together til November. The phone I’m getting is worth the wait.

So…my GED test was cancelled because not enough kids signed up. BUT I have more time to study and the next one is in May.

So…money is tight. BUT I am gonna really try to get things going with me and my moms jewelry business. AND I have some things I can do “freelance”.

So…my relationship fell apart. BUT I can have fun now and recover and I know I’ll be an even better girlfriend to the next guy/girl because I learned so much from this. AND I know that the good parts of being in a relationship can make you a better person and being a part of the experience that’s making the other person improve…is worth it.

So when I wake up, I am going to have a productive day and remind myself that it’s gonna get better. For every thought that tries to stress me out, I am going to say “BUT!…” and tell myself how whatever is stressing me out has something about it that’s good. Even if it’s really tiny!

So, I have my great-grandmother’s viewing later today which I’ll be making a speech at. I hope my mom can get through hers okay too. She’ll be going back to the PI in a little over a week and I’m worried about her. -sigh- I’ve been letting her lean on me and I’ve given her the strength to let herself be emotional and not let herself think of it as a weakness. I think everyone at her job was looking at her out of the corners of their eyes, waiting for her to break down. When she saw the body of the woman who basically raised her…I mean I haven’t seen her like that since I had to talk her out of wanting to kill herself after a huge mistake my idiot father made when I was five.

My ex is being an asshole. I’ve just about reached my limit with him. I understand that when he was with me sex became tied to his emotions. I understand that he is still in love with me. I understand that the idea of me having sex with anyone else freaks him the fuck out. But we are not together anymore and if he wants to be there for me as a best friend I need to be able to share what’s going on in my life without him judging me or making me feel bad. If I can’t be 100% honest with him then he will never be able to be as big a part of my life as he wants to be. He’s trying. I can see that. But, he’s holding himself back even more lately. He either shuts down completely or pretends we’re still going out. I can’t fucking deal with that. I’m going through so much right now and I’m not about to baby him through the breakup he brought upon us himself! How can he accept the blame for it and then resent me for moving on? We talked and after a night that was disastrous, he finally came to his senses. But it was too late. “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it when the person you’re saying it to can’t believe a word out your mouth. So when he made yet another apology and promise to do better, I did what could be expected. I checked his ass and told him that I’m not even sure if he deserves another chance. If I allow him to come over his behavior will have to be damn near perfect to even make a dent in making things up to me. He pulled some shit on a night when it was the first time I had seen my best friend, David in forever and we were all just trying to forget about my ina’s death and catch up, then he fucking leaves, making excuses, even though he promised the night before to be there for me. Unacceptable. However, I will meditate on this and see what happens.  

But! -struggles to remain positive- David was exactly what I needed, even if he did tease me a bit about my Spring Break fling. Actually, the laughs from that were much needed. Swear I’ll exact my revenge by sicking one of my mom’s would-be suga mommy friends who think he looks like ”a sexy, taller Ludacris” on his ass. I seriously wish I could spend more time with David and that life wasn’t such a bitch to him. Though, I know he can handle himself. I love him so much. I hope his brunch today isn’t nearly as hard as the viewing will be for me, but with his family…ya never know.

The guy I had a fling with is HILARIOUS. Such a dork. But very…surprising. I believe the word “different” came up a lot when describing what happened to David. As in, “Wait so his junk is pierced?? o.O What was THAT like?” “…….different” “Good or bad?” “…….different.” By the way, guys who are bored enough to read this, if you ever get into the topic of tatts and piercings and you say your junk is pierced, the girl will think you’re joking. No…really. She will see that shit (if you decide to prove you’re not) and be like “OMFG you were serious.”

I’m learning how to play my guitar. First lesson with this totally chill yet passionate dude went AWESOME!! I knew him in high school and I never got to know him that well although sometimes he could easily make my day. Funny how that happens. It makes sense to me now though that the longest conversations we ever had were about his passion for music, even if he had to deal with brats at a summer camp just to teach it. We couldn’t do much because I suck right now but he gave me some books and I got to know him more. This guy has the CRAZIEST uncle. His induction to the pro side of the music world involved the frontman of band he was playing with being MIA until the last possible moment, then jumping on stage wearing a pink wig. Haha. Anyway I’m relearning how to read music and my middle finger feels permanently bruised. Guy at Guitar Center was all like “Ahhh don’t worry about your fingers hurting, you get used to it. Well actually…I been playin for 10 years and it still hurts.” Reassuring huh?

Anyway, throughout all of this my mom and I have been getting closer than ever and I know now more than ever before that I will always be able to count on her for anything.

I don’t need promises you don’t intend to keep
or lies that blind
and fatasies designed to entice my mind
I want honest nights
filled with sighs and closed eyes
I want my voice gasping your name to resound
in your head
Memories of discovering that physical, chemical truth
in your bed

Don’t be mistaken, I’m not after simple, physical gratification
I want nothing short of a new religion
with your body as a god
and me kissing it as my prayer
I want the arch of my back to symbolize our sensual trip together
I don’t need to be sold a deceitful, romantic dream
just give me an honest, sexy reality

Light caresses
and intense kisses
exhausted limbs
and a racing heart
Affection and adoration
without yearning for more
I don’t need tears
shed in an argument
I want my body pressed aginst yours
spent and content

If in me you find a friend
you can do so without fear of
needing to stake a claim on my heart to show your love for my body
What I want for us is simple
but not empty, shallow, or cheap
It is the deepest understanding of basic desire
gained with complex patterns
traced on my skin
by your fingertips
and satisfied sounds
made to your ears
by my parted lips

ilovemyuzik:

jennnuggets:

khingie:

emscee:

janellexoalways-classy:

petezaparty:

HAHAHAHAHAHA post of the day

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Omg…. Hahahaha!!!!

WHY TF IS HE RUBBING HIS NIPPLES! LOL OMG<3

TROLLED! xD

Yay! I’m only taking one class now. Which I’m making tremendous progress in already. I’ve been working on alot of art and I’m about to complete a piece I’m putting up in an AdultEd classroom and to do it, I have to put a chair on top of counter, get on the counter, then the chair and then boost myself on top of some cabinets. And the space between the cabinets and the ceiling isn’t even tall enough for my short self to stand up in. -_- If I weren’t so small I wouldn’t need to do all that. But then I’d also fall through the top of the cabinets. I’ve made up with an old friend and while we did get into a fight a few weeks ago, we’re ok now. My skin looks tons better because I’ve been eating healthier again and skin treatment is going great. The only side effect is my freckles on my neck show more now. Oh wells, my mom says they’re cute. My ex is becoming a great best friend and continuing his personal journey of self improvement. I am so proud of him right now. 

While all of this is great, I really need to have to fit in some fun. I haven’t seen my bestie in what feels like forever and I need a playmate soon. Hopefully my streak of good luck continues and these things will damn near solve themselves or at least come with minimal effort. I mean I’m asking for a day with my bestie and a guy or girl who wouldn’t mind being treated like a bf/gf in private, a bestie in public, and loves to have great sex. Not a million bucks. Lol.

I’m about to go to sleep and I can’t get this feeling out of my chest. My heart hurts. It seems like I’ll never find the right person for me. -sigh- It’s definitely not for a lack of trying. I’ve grown and learned so much from relationships, official and not. But it’s as if…I seem to always find the right people at the wrong time or that some other factor keeps it from being just right. I’m not looking for perfection, far from it actually…I just want that made for each other feeling. I’ve had it before and lost it and I want it again. I want to mean enough to someone that they’ll fight just as hard as I will to keep that feeling. I have so much to give right now, and after I recover from my current relationship…I just want to find the right one for me. In the meantime I’ll work on every aspect of myself so that when I find them there won’t be even the shadow of a doubt that I’m the right one for them.